The Bikini Club
The Bikini Club
I had this funny dream last night that I think would make a good B-movie comedy. Someday when I get around to it, I'll try to write a treatment of it.
Two freshmen girls meet in their dorm. They're roommates. The room is a small cramped horrible place to live. Noisy, bunk beds, tiny desks, flourescent light, right next to the bathrooms, with a great view of the parking lot trash dumpster next to the Science building.
They try everything they can to spruce the place up, from Tiki motifs to Laura Ashley. They realize it's impossible, and become despondent and depressed until one day the girls walk by a vacant apartment in the perfect location, just steps away from the main street where all the cool restaurants are. It's cheap, so they move in. It's a small studio on the second floor of an old building overlooking a traffic intersection. For them, it feels like Soho, life in the big city, but the Walk/Stop sign brightens up their entire room 24 hrs a day, driving them crazy. Still they are happy because they have their first place. That is until one day, they realize why the apartment was available. Anyone walking at the right spot past their place can look directly in on them. In their underwear after a shower, they discover a long line of peepers outside. They begin wearing trench coats and sunglasses so no one on campus recognizes them.
The girls hear that if they join a sorority, they can get a room in a nice big house near campus. They join the sorority, move in. the room is small but life is a lot nicer, except for the sorority sisters.
One day, the handsome guy on campus happens to walk by, and one of the girls is smitten. She schemes for a way to ask him out on a date. He apparently is a big deal Heisman trophy winning football player, who never says a word. The roommate (more adventurous) spots him on campus, walks up to him, says "My roommate is totally in love with you and wants to ask you out for lunch. Can you come to our sorority house to meet her?" He nods "Sure. When?" The sorority house is buzzing with activity over the famous visitor, while the smitten one makes her favorite lunch - a cold Japanese noodle salad.
Handsome guy arrives with two other people, His manager, an obnoxious NY suit-bitch, and his agent, a doting fumbling sweater-geek. He forgot to mention that they follow him wherever he goes in case Nike or Adidas try to catch him without their involvement.
After some uncomfortable small talk (life on campus, dorms, football) lunch is finally served. Handsome guy can't use chopsticks, the managers don't want his to spill on his outfit (photo session later), he doesn't want to disappoint his blind date, and he slops through his noodles, making a huge mess.
On the way out after the disasterous meeting, handsome guy mentions that he he has a job on the local animal refuge, and they should stop by sometime.
The next week, the girls go out to the animal refuge, which they though would be like a dog pound, but turns out to be a huge ranch housing all the local wildlife (cougars, horses, eagles, skunks, racoons, ground hogs, porcupines, deer, etc) from the nearby mountains. Handsome guy is driving a Universal Studios type go cart, leading a group of Chinese tourists around the ranch. He speaks in an Australian accent, eloquently describing all the local animals and foliage.
The girls are shocked. He speaks! Where did he get that accent? Handsome guy drives over after the tour, and explains that Chinese like to think that he's like the Croc Guy on TV, so he uses his fake Australian accent to lead the tour. He turns out the be an awesome cool guy. The girls find out that he hated living with all the stupid jocks in the dorm, and how back home, he lived on a farm, so when he heard about this job, he took it and moved out on the ranch. The reason he never talks on campus is because he talks 4 hours a day leading tour groups and is exhausted.
As they walk around the ranch, they pass some small houses, and Handsome guy says that they are short staffed, and if they wanted a job taking care of the animals, they could also live out on the ranch in their own ranch bungaloo.
The next day they move, and life gets better. Ranch life turns out to be a huge party. Cute guys, great view, bad grades. The Dean has warned them about academic suspension, but the girls have become very good at other things - fixing things up around the ranch, fences, doors, windows, roofs, flooring, and this catches the eye of a local contractor. He asks the girls would they like to have a better paying job, and live in a bigger place - for free. All they have to do is fix up the house for him. The girls look at each other. Sure.
Over the next couple of years, the girls have fixed up one place after another for the contractor. They have saved up over $200,000. They invest this into a run down house, fix it up, and turn it over. They double their money. They begin to do this over and over, making a fortune in the real estate market, while barely making their grades.
Their wild parties and bad grades eventually gets them called into the Dean's office. While being reprimanded, one of the girls spots a photo of a beautiful mansion, and remarks how the house would be worth at least $4.5 million on the current market. The Dean is shocked, and asks why she would say that. This is his house, he points out, and if anyone knew the value of it, he would. He grew up in that house, and now it was on the market for $2.3 million. She was out of her mind. Ha, $4.5 million! No wonder her grades were so bad, she was terrible with math.
She convinces him that the house would be worth $4.5 million if he would let them make some property improvements. He thinks she's crazy. Just then his secretary walks in and whispers to him, "They more than doubled the value of the house I just sold. I think they know what they're talking about..."
A deal is stuck. They make the improvements, and if the house sells, they graduate summa cum laude. If not, goodbye college career.
The girls get into action, materials are delivered, the workman arrive (the football team including Handsome guy). They begin to tear the place apart, install a pool, a jacuzzi, redo the windows, the roof, the landscaping...The Dean stops by occasionally to witness the progress. A disaster. Loud music. Wild parties. Bikinis. Chaos.
Right before graduation, the house is finally finished, and yes, sold for $4.5 million. The Dean is surprised, but ecstatic. He happily pockets the check, and moves into a smaller place next door. He signs the paperwork, and the girls graduate top of their class to the astonishment of everyone, and the new owners of the house move in.
Epilogue: The Dean is tossing and turning in bed because of the loud music coming from the new neighbors. He goes over to investigate. It's a club, run by the girls. They were the buyers! They turned the property into the hottest club in town. The Bikini Club. It's making a fortune, and was recently put on market for $8.5 million.
I've never figured out whether it's pronounced "Moe's (like owned by one of three stooges) or Moss (like that guy out of Bonanza), but the one down the hill from me is open until 2am most days, which means that if I get out of the club early enough, I can catch the best burger in town, the muo si la bao or the Spicy Mos Burger. They have lots of jalapenos and 
