Posts from May 2003
May 30, 2003
Honda Cog is so cool
So cool...
Just amazingly cool...
606 takes...
Gee, I'm curious why it took 606 takes...
Juergen and the German sausage feast
My neighbor Juergen is the German cultural ambassador in Taiwan. He's also my hot spring partner, but tonight it was all about sausages. He prepared a pure German sausage bonanza for the four of us, along with some German sparkling red wine, German potato salad, and Taiwanese hot sauce. Interesting combination.
What really did it for me though was the Italian (but is actually German) digestive, Amaro Ramazzotti.
What a name. I love it. Amaro sounds like sexy Japanese. Like Namie Amuro. It sounds like love, amore. And Ramazzotti...wow, it just rolls off the tongue like some erotic concoction of sports car and long legged mafia women. It's part Indian incarnation and part Italian pop icon.
And damn it tastes good on ice.
May 27, 2003
Bad Driving Mojo Part II
Continuing on with my very dao mei saga from last week, I found out that even though the scooter kid didn't have his lights on, and was the one who hit me, I was the one responsible because cars are always responsible when involving accidents with scooters.
My insurance also threatened to not pay unless I transferred my license over by the end of the month. Boy, that really put the screws on me, especially after getting the bill for the body work...
So my glamorous options were:
Door #1) FEX EX my license to a friend in NY who would then have to go to an AAA motor club office and do the International Permit boogie for me, then FEX EX me back the same day, and hopefully if everything went 100% right, I'd have one day to transfer the International Permit over.
Door #2) Fly to NYC on a SARS infested plane, and have the Taiwan non-consulate there verify that my NY license was indeed a NY license, stamp a piece of paper in Chinese to that effect, then fly back and transfer it over.
Door #3) Take the Taiwan written and road test.
Door #4) Pay a couple thousand dollars in body work for an accident that wasn't my fault.
Gosh....I'll take...hmmmm...Door #3!?
Irene insisted I take a couple of driving lessons first since she had heard that hardly anyone actually passed the driving test the first time because it was set up to keep people from passing. I wasn't too happy about wasting a day driving around a little go-kart course, but I realized once I kept running over those annoying little pressure strip alarms while I was trying to back my car out of a narrow s-turn just wide enough to fit through, that this course was just a bogus reason to keep hundreds of little driving schools in business, and well worth the bucks. "Keep your left wheel exactly one steering wheel distance from the yellow line while turning the steering wheel exactly 1.25 turns to the left until you see the second curve in your left mirror reach the 10:00 position, at which point you must straighten your wheel back .75 of a turn until your back tires reach the highest point of the curve when you must then immediately turn to the right 1.25 turns until your front wheel passes the white line..." I'm not kidding. I tried getting through just by driving normally at first, but it was impossible not to hit one of those damned buzzers. And it only takes one buzzer to have to come back a week later and do it again. I didn't have a week, so I memorized the moves like latin dance steps until I could fluidly sashay in and out, even though I will never use this amazing new skill, unless maybe someday in the future I need to back up Lombard Street in San Francisco, just to drive over a couple of Taiwanese DMV officials on vacation.
Well, after 12 years of driving illegally, I can now proudly say that I have a real Taiwan driver's license. Woo ha! So now my insurance company has to come up with another lame loophole not to pay.
You too can experience the thrill! Below are actual questions from the written exam: Please answer TRUE or FALSE.
1) If you find that your car is out of order and is not suitable for safe driving, you can still keep on driving.
2) Except for specific signs and driving signals on the freeway, one should obey general driving rules.
3) If you see an overturned car and wounded persons on the road, calling out for help, you are not obliged to help them.
4) If you are the driver of a passenger car, you should drive carefully for the sake of your passenger.
5) A taxi driver is not allowed to refuse a short-distance ride; however, he may detour as he pleases.
....and what the hell is this?
Remember, while driving, this sign would of course appear on your right side.
(1) cliff on the right side. (2) Watch for falling stones. (3) cliff on the left side.
(Hint: It isn't the one you think it is.)
Better yet, take the stupid test yourself!
May 25, 2003
BBQ, movie stars, and saxophone
We had our first BBQ of the year yesterday. Got to try out the new super fancy B&Q industrial model grill which occupies a fireproof corner of the yard. Good turnout: Judy, Xiao Li, Monica, her sister, Jennifer and her kid, Juergen, Christian & Inger, Marc, our friend Angie, and the whole script and film crew from the Meteor Garden series, and a new friend, Paul Chun Pui.
I had an unusual request from Angie, which was to show Paul, who is currently filming some cameos for her new TV series, how to play the new theme song on saxophone, and make it look like real for film. Paul played a great role as a jazz saxophone player in the HK film, C'est La Vie, Mon Cheri (Xin Bu Liao Qing), which was a major hit across Asia a few years back. I remember having to play Xin Bu Liao Qing every night, because it had became the defacto sad saxophone love song.
Anyway, I though this was all pretty cool, as I'll be providing the real music backing, while Paul syncs his expressions and fingers to my melody. I guess this'll be a news release in a few days, and there'll be a pic of me in my greasy BBQ overhauls, with a big greasy grin, and a greasy arm around Paul's neck.
May 22, 2003
5 minutes from my house
I found the Yellow Brick Road. It's only 5 minutes away...
May 21, 2003
Corner of Nanjing & Tunhua
The sun sat down in the middle of the street.
A red light moment of beauty.
May 19, 2003
Bad driving mojo
The stars are against me this week. The Chinese have a word, pronounced "daomei," which sort of means "cursed by bad luck." This weekend I've really been daomei.
Yesterday I drove Tiff up to the corner to buy some groceries. Less than 200 meters in all, since it was pouring rain. On the way back, traffic was lined up as usual for a Sunday, and I had to wait forever to make the left into our lane. Finally a guy stops and lets me make the turn, and when I do, blam, I slam head-on into a scooter screaming up the hill without lights. The guy flips over his bike, across my hood, and drops into a puddle at the entrance to my lane. I stop the car, jump out, and see if he's ok. No broken bones, just a little confused. I get him and his bike out of the rain, and to my house to clear his head. Luckily I was only going like 5kph. The rest of the afternoon was spent with police reports, ambulances, more police reports, etc. The kid was ok, and will now probably drive a little slower going around corners in the rain.
While the cop was measuring out the accident with his little roller thingy, I saw a little kitten flipping around in the middle of the road right by where I had just hit the scooter. The kitten was only like a couple months old, and had apparently just been hit. The cop didn't bother to pick it up, so I stopped traffic and ran out to pick him up so his head wouldn't get spilled all over road. I managed to get to him just as he died, so I carried him over to the side of the road, said a little sending away prayer for him, and put him in a trashcan.
That was enough to convince Irene we needed to go to Lungshan Temple and bai-bai. I prayed a bit to Guan Shi Ying Pu Sa, and told her what a terrible day I've had, and all about the recent crap going on in my life and asked her if I could buabei, which is Taiwanese for asking a god a question through crescent shaped wooden blocks and the fortune sticks.
"Things are getting better slowly," she told me, after I fumbled through several wrong sticks before getting to the right one.
This morning, Irene reads me my horoscope, which says that I need to be very careful with anything related to driving, because the stars are against me. I'm thinking about this as I head into the office for a meeting, and am trying to coordinate my staff on my mobile while driving. I turn a corner, and am immediately pulled over by a motorcycle cop, who sees me on the phone. Oh oh...so I pull out my license, which is from NY, and supposedly acceptable in Taipei, but he refuses it, and writes out a heavy fine for not having a Taiwanese license. He takes away my plates, and tells me I need to go immediately to DMV and exchange the license for a Chinese one. I tell him that I've tried many times, and they have always turned me away, saying that I can just use the NY one since I'm in and out of the country so much.
So I go to the DMV, and they of course tell me that they can't exchange it.
So now I can't drive to the office anymore, and have to take the SARS bus and the SARS subway until I can send away and get an international license from AAA by mail, then take that to the DMV so they will exchange it in to a Chinese one for me, and I can get my plates back after shelling out the US$250 fine.
Man, I'm really daomei.
May 17, 2003
Shoot them all
"Because we are afraid that some people will go out at night, we will begin phoning people in quarantine between 8pm and midnight tonight," Taipei Mayor Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) said.
What kind of stupid idiot asshole would go out knowing they were quarantined? Apparently a lot...
Gee, now they release the news
There was a major SARS transmission on 4/26 which touched a little too close to home, and now they finally admit there is a problem.
May 15, 2003
Being Faye Wong
Full concert stage with about 10,000 people at HK stadium. It was a nice white wrap-around stage with the band in the middle, and a large monitor screen hanging from the domed ceiling. A sound tech handed me a mic, and I stepped out into the glaring lights.
But I was Faye Wong, meaning I was the top female Chinese singer, and my mic wasn't on. "Can you hear me?" I asked the crowd in Japanese for some unknown reason. "If you can hear me, show me one finger, if not, show me four!" Since no one could hear me, and if they could, they wouldn't understand Japanese, so I was wondering why I even asked that question. Then I pointed to the mixing console and gave him a penetrating I-am-a-top-female-superstar-and-you-better-get-this-damned-thing-working-now-asshole look, and eventually some sound came on. The band immediately started our first number, but since I was not really Faye Wong, I didn't know the song, and I was curious if I could even sing, let alone speak in Chinese. "Thanks for coming tonight!" I beamed at the crowd in perfect Faye Wong Beijing Chinese. "You all mean so much to me. Tonight will be something special...I promise!"
Then I just started singing in her beautiful clear perfect voice, making up a melody to a song I didn't know. And I sang in English, which completely shocked the audience, and freaked out the band, who had no idea what to expect, so I kept making up lyrics, and a new melody, and kept going because I could. I was Faye Wong. This was my dream, and I was making some awesome music in front of 10,000 people.
May 14, 2003
Check out the chicas
This will brighten your day and make you feel tall and tan and young and lovely.
May 12, 2003
It's getting closer and closer to home
I just found out today that all the employees on the 7th floor of a company my friend B is VP for have been told to stay at home for 10 days because one of the staff got infected. I immediately called to check in and tell him we were all worried about him, and offered our prayers.
Turns out that the infected person is his secretary, and her entire family was infected when they were in the hospital visiting their terminally ill grandmother. Apparently the hospital had a SARS patient either in the same room, or an adjoining room, and never told them, or even scarier, didn't know. Either way, the mother, uncle, aunt, and daughter were all infected, and probably all the staff and visitors on the floor.
This was 4/26, and there was no mention from the hospital until just a few days ago that it even happened. This was Chang Gung Hospital in Kaohsiung. Two weeks of media cover up and negligence, and even the newspapers don't know. What is more appauling is that the mother felt feverish and ill after returning to Taipei (BTW: they all took the flight from Kaohsiung to Taipei unaware), so she immediately visited one of the best hospitals in town, Cathay, for an exam, where two doctors both said she was fine, nothing to worry about. Being rightfully paranoid, she went to Tai Da, where she was immediately diagnosed and quarantined, and sent to another hospital in Lin-ko.
Now my friend B is trying to remain focused, keep his staff calm, and not let the word reach the press so that the entire company has to close down, creating panic among their hundreds of thousands of customers and ruining their hard earned corporate image.
They are seriously thinking of bringing negligence charges against the hospital, but this creates an awkward legal issue because they are both owned by the same conglomerate mother company.
And to think we've been dealing with everyone on that floor actively for the past four months...not to mention dinners, movies, get togethers, etc. Sigh...
The sad moral to this story? Don't visit anyone in the hospital, even if it's your own dying grandmother.
esenapaJ niaR = Matrix?
"Question: did anyone else notice that the green computer rain that represents the Matrix is made up of backwards Japanese Katakana characters?"
Now that's something I missed. Did you miss that too? I was too busy trying to understand the fundamental truth that there was no spoon.
Que sars sars, whatever will be will be...
What a messed up weekend. 400 people were quarantined in an apartment complex after finding a dead guy with SARS, which spread to two of his neighbors. There's still 152 people on the loose who haven't reported to the quarantine police. Their names have been released, and they are being fined NT$60,000/day until they register. Then there was the closing of Sogo department store when a shoe sales clerk was confirmed sick. Then there are the rumours of the possible closing of Taipei to outsiders if the disease gets loose. Closing to outsiders also means the opposite. We can't go anywhere.
My friend Ben was smart. He bailed to take a vacation with his parents in Europe because he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to go if he stayed any longer. A couple of nights ago Ben met the main dude with the CDC at his synagogue. He was here inspecting Hoping Hospital (verdict: hopeless). His advice, "It's only going to get worse. Get out while you still can." Isn't that reassuring? And from the guy who is really in the know.
May 08, 2003
Taipei Rain
Rain rain rain rain
On the window pane...
Makes me remember..
The way it used to be.
May 07, 2003
New subway laws
Starting tomorrow, every mass transit passenger -- subway, bus, trains -- is required by law to wear a mask. Also interesting to note is the lack of supply, and how a particular DDP legislator has a stockpile of 500,000 masks, which he is now selling at 750% the normal price. A NT$20 mask now costs $150. People like him, and the doctors who refuse quarantine, and the patients caught climbing out the hospital windows, and the people who still take public transportation knowing they are ill, should all be locked away. Otherwise, who cares? I feel that Chinese in general just have stopped caring about anyone else other than themselves. Being here for 15 years, I've tried to be the quiet bystanter, the foreign observer, but in times of need or civic duty I have to say I'm sickened of the greedy, selfish, callous morality exhibited by so many of the people who live here. Whether it's because these people happen to live in Taiwan, or because they happen to be Chinese, it doesn't really matter anymore to me. An asshole is still an asshole, and a stupid selfish asshole, is still a stupid selfish asshole.
Local Hospital Blues
Just found out that the severe SARS patients from the quarantined Hoping Hospital have been transferred to the hospital a couple blocks from the office. Now I'm feeling a little paranoid. Going out for lunch means that I'm going to the same places that visitors to the hospital go to. Bummer.
May 05, 2003
Sarso strikes!
I had a meeting at Chunghua Telecom this afternoon, and was stopped at the door for not having my mask. "No mask, no entry," said the guard. I thought this was funny since his mask was around his neck.
"So what about yours?" I questioned.
"It's here," he said dryly, pointing to his neck.
This made me upset since I was already late, so I donned my mask, leaped onto the counter, and slashed a big "Z" across his blue uniform with my mobile phone.
"There you are, you insolent pig! How's that for a mask?" I demanded, before doing a quick backflip into the elevator, and disappearing.
The mark of Sarso!
Poor Simply Red
Some breaking news for all you Simply Red fans out there.....
Mick Hucknall was arrested for having sex with an underage rabbit last night.
Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention.
(Thanks Jan)
May 04, 2003
German sausages, crazy models, and rock and roll rumors
So I having Sunday brunch with Ben and Irene at some German bakery in Tien Mu, before going over to a Jewish garage sale. Our German neighbor said the sausages there were better than in Germany. This seemed like pretty important stuff here in SARS plagued Taipei: Quest for Good Sausages!
Between mustard and kraut, and just ok sausages, Ben leans over and whispers to me, "Dude, I was out with a girl last night at this new club who was telling me all about your wild and crazy past (wink wink). I heard all about your old model girlfriend who jumped out of a window while you two were all drugged out, and how now she's got like this crippled arm from all the crushed bones. Man, that's some serious shit. How come you never told me?"
"When was this?"
"Eight years ago."
"Really? Out of a window?"
"Yup."
"While doing drugs."
"That's right."
"Well, maybe because it never happened."
I found this pretty amusing, and very indicative of the Taipei rumor mill, since my model dating days were packed away 12 years ago when I met Irene, and I can't remember any window jumpers in my past. Crazy models, yes. Window jumpers, no.
That's a pretty good rock and roll rumor though. Nice to know that some sort of mystique still precedes me in Taipei night life.
Chris has too much coffee, man
We've all felt this way during a deadline...
Thanks to ChrisTofu
May 02, 2003
Worst technology ever
I'm standing here at Taichung airport, trying to use the Chung Hua Telecom Internet kiosk which is this huge metallic contraption with metal buttons, and is fed by an IC phone card. It sucks. Cuts out every 3 minutes, and typing on the metal buttons is like using a broken NYC subway public phone corroded by years of piss and scum. It's better than staring at more SARS news, or comparing passenger face mask styles though for airport enjoyment.
Duh!
"...the CDC recommends that 'US travelers to Taiwan observe precautions to safeguard their health ... The CDC suggests that travelers avoid visiting hospital wards caring for SARS patients.'"
May 01, 2003
How to write hit songs?
I wrote a cheeky article about this a while back, and now I see that there's even a site: www.writehitsongs.com with a "product" to "get you signed!"
This is how we do it in Asia baby.
I've never figured out whether it's pronounced "Moe's (like owned by one of three stooges) or Moss (like that guy out of Bonanza), but the one down the hill from me is open until 2am most days, which means that if I get out of the club early enough, I can catch the best burger in town, the muo si la bao or the Spicy Mos Burger. They have lots of jalapenos and 
