Posts from November 2003
November 29, 2003
Ex-male lover?!
I had this disturbing and dark dream which I hope doesn't represent my inner psyche. Maybe it was something I ate...
For some reason, I was travelling in Europe..Amsterdam I think, because all the houses were skewed, and I was visiting my ex lover, who happened to be an aging older man in his late 50's. Over coffee he was telling me about his new love, a woman, who was the "real thing" in his life, his freedom, etc. I was somehow happy for this old guy, and was trying to figure out when and where in my life I had ever had this unusual relationship, when we suddenly appear at his lady's front door: a white three-story brick house. Knock knock, who's there, she answers. Oh my gawd....She's a mutant cross between Homer Simpson and an Oompa Loompa [midget Willy Wonka people for those of you wondering]. I gasp, look back at my ex, then back at the Oompa. All the facial and body hair...and lipstick, and a hairdo...and an apron...it's grotesque, but I manage a simple "Hi there, nice place," and am invited in. In the foyer, I notice that they are remarkably alike, and have the sneaking suspicion that she is not a she, but rather a he. So there I am, stuck in this uncomfortable dream, in this big house with these two aging male lovers, one of whom is a hairy Homer Simpson housewife. We climb up the stairs to the sitting room and the ex says, "Isn't she great? I'm so happy now." Before we get to the top of the stairs, I switch the channel into another dream where I'm at a business party and the host calls up a prostitute who turns into a music teacher who undresses and gives me a lesson on advanced jazz theory before turning into a Victoria Secret model and giving me a lesson on other things.
November 28, 2003
Funky
So I've gotten back into it. Didn't stay away too long. I've just started a new group, and we're working on a lot of 60's Lou Donaldson, Grant Green funky grooves. First gig came off fine. A little rusty, not as smooth as before, but ok nonetheless. We'll work up some JB Horn riffs, maybe some Maceo. It'll jell real nicely into a fun band. First suggested name: The Funkbots
November 25, 2003
Bare Naked Ladies live in Japan
I got backstage passes to see The Bare Naked Ladies live in Japan, and was surprised to find their lineup had changed quite a bit. Their music was more orchestral than I remember...
November 23, 2003
The drop
Irene and I got into JFK on the last flight from Taiwan, which meant arriving at like 2am. We got a taxi, gave our address, and promply passed out. The driver yells at us that we're there, we pay, and drag our roll along bag out of the trunk. Then the taxi screeches away down the street. We are sort of awake by now, look around, and that's when we realize we're not home, but dumped off in some deserted section of Brooklyn. There are no cars on the street, only a few houses, most boarded up, and just a few steetlights. We realize at the same exact time that we're really in a dangerous situation, and without a word start hauling ass to the nearest big intersection which feels like it would be about half a mile away. While we're pulling along our bag, frantically looking around to see when the crack heads would appear, thoughts are flying through my head. "Can I remember how to hotwire a car?" "What if we ran to one of these houses and just started pounding on the door and screaming?" "What happens when we get to the street?" "Should I try to break into on of these cars and hide on the floor until morning?" "How much money do I have on me?" I say something to Irene in Chinese, and she gives me that we-are-so-fucked-don't-say-a-goddamned-word look, and I know that she is just trying to hold it together too. Just then, we see another few people also dragging bags along, apparently screwed by the same scam. There's a Japanese guy in a tux. He'll be the first to go. Then an Indian couple, and some people from Latin America. We all sort of group together in the middle of the street, walking as fast as possible, nobody uttering a word. A few minutes later there are 2-3 guys following us at a leisurely pace. Then a few more. Eventually there are about 8 scary looking guys walking on all sides of us. The guy closest to me reaches into his back pocket pulls out a brass buck knife and seconds later has me backed up to a car with the knife point digging into my appendix. I'm wondering if this will be quick, or will there be some drama involved. If I try to grab the knife, will it create more trouble? I look right into his grey glassy eyes. He's a white guy about 34, and has the look of a chained dog about to attack. He'll cut me open just because he can. I'm wondering if I can remember how to make some little aikido move, break his wrist, and gouge his eye out. Would these other guys run away, or would I be ensuring my immediate death. I say in a whisper, "Hold on just a sec, man. We can figure this out. We just got off the plane, there's not much on us..." Then I see three guys cornering Irene, and I'm thinking this is very very bad. I can't run, I can't protect Irene, and there is no bargaining in this kind of situation. We just have to see where it will lead...then I wake up.
November 19, 2003
Attack of the cute singers
Warning: based on a true story...
Have you noticed that every time you turn on the TV, someone is jumping out at you saying, "Be young! Be happy! Happy Girl! Happy Boy!" Baby pop fever is invading Taiwan in a big way, and for us producer types, we're scrambling for the diapers. Suddenly we're forced to think of everything on the level of a six-year-old. "Should we include the Hello Kitty coin purse with the CD? Let's repeat "Happy Happy Happy" a zillion times so that even my dog can sing it. Maybe we need to make the cover pink and yellow with plastic flowers."
Can't stand it, need to read more? »
November 17, 2003
The Cold
This is going to be one of those, "Oh no, he's actually saying how he feels..." blogs. Fair warning.
I feel terrible. Neither the DVD, two steaks, a bowl of chicken soup, 100oz of liquid, or a shot of Nyquil can get me to sleep.
My next plan of attack will be an 8oz shot of vodka mixed with a tablespoon of dried hot red peppers, some tabasco, and a generous dash of black pepper. This Belarus Bomb has worked before in dire emergencies. This may soon become one.
I feel guilty. I'm not at work for the first time in at least 3 years.
I feel relieved. The scsi raid 0 mirror of the mail server is installed and working perfectly.
I feel exhausted. I've been nursing a deal to go through which will decide what I do for at least the next 18 months.
I feel sad. When I play my instrument, the technique, sound, phrasing is all there after 4 years off the horn, but I feel like I'm jogging on a running machine, rather than running on the beach.
I feel responsible. For supporting too many things for too many reasons.
I feel empty. I've forgotten the reason why I've been working so hard for the past 8 years.
I feel proud. That things I said would happen 4 years ago are happening now.
I feel wiser. For getting through some serious tough times.
I feel warm. My family loves me.
I feel pressured. To brush off the dust, take a big deep breath, and get things back on track.
Thank God
Thank God I'm only 43% hipster. I tried to avoid being one in college, then as part of the music scene, later as a producer, then as a tech geek, and now as an old guy with responsibilities and a music club.
November 14, 2003
Super Scooter
This is one trick scooter! No translation is really necessary, but I'll clarify them. Top to bottom, L to R.
- 4WD lights
- Luggage/bike rack
- One stunned girl
- Anti-fog rear view mirror
- Air con
- Hi-speed airfoils
- Air bag
- Lucky Buddhist safety prayer
- drink holder
- lock
- chrome plated gas cap
- Extended shock absorbers
- Imported Italian racing brake lights
- Secondary brake light
November 13, 2003
Incredible smoking baby
For those of you who liked my incredible smoking baby pictures from China, you can now order the incredible smoking baby online.
Ah Bien: The real son of Darth Vader
We all thought Luke Skywalker was the son of Darth Vader, but in order to get a possible seat on the council (Read: UN), Ah Bien has stepped out and declared himself the real son of Vader.
May the Stinky Tofu Force be with you!
November 10, 2003
We're #1 in something!
Hey, 3q2u is the #1 Google search return for Zeynep Degirmencioglu.
November 08, 2003
Those nutty Canadians...
Fish 'farts' a form of communication?
VANCOUVER - Herring make farting sounds at night, Canadian and British scientists say.
Scientists knew herring have an excellent sense of hearing, but now researcher Ben Wilson of the University of British Columbia Fisheries Centre in Vancouver and his British colleagues investigated their secret noises.
At night, herring squeeze bubbles out of their swim bladders through an anal pore.
The action produces distinctive sounds, resembling a person blowing raspberries or farting.
Oh boy, let me hear a fist fart »
November 07, 2003
Unused Hip Hop names
1. Puff Dragon
2. M.C. Escher
3. Capitalist P.I.G.
4. Black Ice*
5. Run EXE
6. Lil' Red Caboose
7. Dr. Pay (sorry, terrible pun)
8. Scoop Doggy Poop
9. Lemon Fresh
10. Salt N Battery
11. Window Shady
12. EZ Bake Ov'n
13. PB N J*
14. Busta Nut
15. Big Pimp L
[These 15 from Davezilla.]
I added a few that came to mind. You can add yours here as well...
1. Grandmaster Theft
2. Lay-Z Boy
3. 2pay
4. Smelly
5. Pu Tang Clan
6. Public Enema
7. Busta Leg
8. Bribe Called Arrest
November 06, 2003
Celebrating Best Actress
Tonight was the Taiwan Golden Bell awards, which are like the Emmys in the States, and our friend 6Mao was up for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress. 6Mao is also my godson's mother, and we were all routing for her since she had been nominated 4 years in a row but never won. Tonight she won both! So we all got together for a late night party.
Today was one neverending social event. First there was a Japanese buffet lunch with Elizabeth at Jogoya, which is like a weird cross between a hi-tech Japanese hair salon and a buffet. They even have their own fancy website. Two hours later there was the huge Flintstones steak dinner with Argus at Formosa Plastics. During the dinner I got a call from Jerry who was back from Japan for a day between shooting his movie and wanted to say hi before he went off to the Philippines to do some promo and meet President Arroyo (Celebrities get to do the weirdest stuff). He was also bringing Vivian over to the Living Room to check it out since she'd never been there. (I couldn't miss this.) I had a few minutes to see him and tease him on his Japanese, chat a bit with Vivian (who is unreal), before running off to check out the Matrix premier. After the movie, we're checking our phones, and that's when we get the news that 6Mao won, so off again to some private karaoke piano bar, where we hang out until 4am. I also shared some of my Argus steak bones with Eric, who has a beagle named Chappy.
November 05, 2003
Steak with Argus
Argus invited some Fitel group friends and me to have steak with him at the Formosa Group building. Steak and plastics? Don't ask. They have their own dining room. Argus is the son-in-law of Y.C. Wang, and heads the Automobile and Plastics corporations for Formosa. Good guy. I like meat and all, but this was way too much meat. Flintstones style. I collected all the bones to take back to my dog, Cho-cho.
To the moon...
Next time you look up at the moon, think about what those guys who were actually walking on it were thinking. Here's a song about it called The Fucking Moon. I thought it was pretty hilarious.
[Thanks to Magnetbox.]
November 03, 2003
Happy Birthday Grandpa!
Today is my Grandfather's birthday. He was born in 1894, and would have been 109 if he was still here. He stuck around until 97 though, and taught me most of the important things I needed to know to get by. Thanks Grandpa.
- Don't do things half-assed.
- Don't smoke or lie.
- Always stand up when a lady is introduced.
- Never ever rat a person out.
- Women are like street cars. If you don't catch the first one, there'll always be another coming around the corner soon.
- Don't cross a picket line.
- You can't trust a bank completely.
- Don't get married until after 30.
- When you don't know something, look it up.
- Don't act like you know something if you don't.
- You can educate yourself by going to a library and reading.
- If you have a choice between a complicated word and a simple one, use the simple one.
- Don't ever strike a woman or a child. If someone does, make sure they'll never do it again.
- Mind your own business.
- If you stick one hand on your ass, and the other out for money, guess which one will be filled first?
- If your Aunt had balls she's be your Uncle. [Don't speculate on what ifs.]
- All of history was written by the winners, not the losers.
- When the American Indian's won a battle, it was called a "tragedy."
- When General Custer won a battle, it was called a "victory."
Watch her go!
Can you believe this? Watch this little three year old N. Korean xylophone player go!
November 02, 2003
Olive oil madness
Everytime I go to see a movie at the Breeze Center (which has the best seats in town) I stop by the basement grocery store for a quick snack, and am amazed at the incredible selection of non-essential items like olive oil. There must be forty different brands.
This is somehow strangely fascinating
Just stare at the picture for a while, and then begin to contemplate what your face would feel like. This could be like some kind of new Chinese medicine therapy. Maybe it can relieve stress. Maybe this is the way some people really look on the inside.
Garry 'Stretch' Turner was hoping to clip more than 153 pegs to his face at the launch of the 2004 Guinness Book of Records in Manchester, but he missed by 3. Damn.
I've never figured out whether it's pronounced "Moe's (like owned by one of three stooges) or Moss (like that guy out of Bonanza), but the one down the hill from me is open until 2am most days, which means that if I get out of the club early enough, I can catch the best burger in town, the muo si la bao or the Spicy Mos Burger. They have lots of jalapenos and 
