Posts from April 2006
April 29, 2006
Taiwan funny story competition
I got this in the mail the today and thought there might be some Taiwaners out there interested in submitting their funniest Taiwan stories. Winners receive a set of comic books about Taiwan.
"Call for Stories: Are you crazy about Taiwan culture and can't stop loving Taiwan? How do you love this island? Are you a Taiwanophile? If you love Taiwan so much and you want to tell your story as a Taiwan fan, please write down your story in Traditional Chinese, Taiwanese, English or Japanese and mail it to us. The articles voted in the top 3 will be awarded a series of "THE HISTORY OF TAIWAN IN COMICS" ?《漫畫台灣史》(10 volumes), Taiwanese-Red sugar jug (Hakka designed, NT. 2000 )."
How to participate?
Duration: 20th April- 20th May Date for Vote: 21st-27th May
Word limit: More than 200 Chinese, Taiwanese, English or Japanese words
Submit to: hataiwan@2006tw.tw
Please see http://blog.yam.com/2006tw for more details.
I'm going to submit one for sure.
April 27, 2006
My face or yours
Beijing people are very straightforward. I like that. Since it's so damn dry here, I needed to buy some cream to put on my face to keep from peeling.
"Do you have any face cream?" She shows me a blue jar full of white stuff.
"This isn't really for your face is it?"
"Sure it is. Same thing."
"So would you smear this on your face?"
"No way."
"Ok, thanks."
April 26, 2006
Shaken not stirred...
We met up with some friends the other night. Beijing has changed so fast my head is still spinning a bit. I saw this happen a few years ago in Shanghai and Shenzhen, and now Beijing is like all of them plus Tokyo plus Taipei plus Southern California (if you can believe that). Just go out to one of the villa areas on the way to the airport. Suburbs.
After meetings all day, then some tasty kebobs and greek feta salad at Souk's in Chaoyang Park across from our office, we hooked up with Tif and Steve, both old school hard drinking journalists, and we began commensing in what old school hard drinking journalists do. Party.
I knew things were going good when we walked into a Mongolian bar and there was a Romulan looking guy in a cool hat with these boots that had a curlie cue at the toes. He played some kind of Mongolian/Vulcan cello with lots of reverb, backed on keyboards by a tough biker looking Mongol dude who could definitely kick your ass. Then a Mongolian lounge singer sang a couple of Sade songs (Sade stands the test of time everywhere). A couple of tall Carlsbergs later Steve suggested a hidden bar around the corner. All red, and about the size of a boxcar, this minibar had four bartenders standing behind the bar serving up twenty different martinis. I ordered a Chocatino Martini (which were all doubles), and I sipped my first Chinese Martini. Steve turns out to be a drummer, so we got cozy, and then David Sanborn comes up on the CD player. "Comin' Home Baby" grooves out, and I'm thinking this is a pretty good omen. Another martini later, I hear "Watermelon Man" and start wondering if they are playing my whole set list. By the third martini the music is pretty blurry, and we all roll back home. I was very quiet all the way back home keeping the People's Party chocolate from revolting.
April 25, 2006
Vintage flight
For our recent flight to Beijing, Brett and I took the shortcut flight up through Jeju Island in Korea. The whole flight is now like 4.5 hrs instead of the whole day horrible affair you go through when connecting through Hong Kong. The Far Eastern Air Transport (FAT) plane essentially pulls up next to a China Eastern plane, and you get on a shuttle and sit in the waiting room for about 20 minutes (we watched the Mets clobber the Padres in Korean), then the shuttle takes you back to exactly the same place you came from, and then you get on the plane next door. A pretty funny and simple solution for the Koreans to cash in on the whole dumb three-links issue.
Anyways, it turns out the Brett is a sort of plane freak since he flies so much, and as we board the plane, he's like "Oh my god, this plane is ancient. It's a DC-9. Look how far the back the wings are. They don't make planes like this anymore. The engines in back are so inefficient."
So I start to look around, and the plane does feel a bit dumpy, but living in Taiwan, everything seems kind of worn out, so I don't really think about it.
I tell him, "I took a look at the registration on the door when we boarded. It said this plane was manufactured in 1995." (I have a weird habit of always taking a look at the registration on a plane)
"That's absolute bullshit. Maybe that's when they refurbished this dinosaur. I mean, look at the little window pull down thingies. That's so 1970's."
"Let's go take a second look," I offer. We both jump out of the seat and run to the front of the plane. The registration clearly says 1995.
"This is some sort of scam. I'm telling you there's no way this plane was built in 1995. Just look at the bathrooms. I bet you the bathrooms are the ones with the swirlie flush, where you can't find the damned flush button."
Brett jumps up and runs to the bathroom to take a look. Meanwhile, I notice that the window pull down thingies are pretty yellow and look like something out of an old James Bond movie. He returns with a satisfied gleam in his eyes. "Yup, exactly as I thought. They have the weird swirlie flush and they even still have the 'No Smoking' sign in them. I mean how fu%ked is that?"
So the whole flight we're debating this issue back and forth, convinced there's a scam going on. The literature on the plane says it's an MD-80. Who knows? This is China. There's a scam going on every second.
April 23, 2006
Good job Pierre
My buddy Pierre got on the front page of Le Monde yesterday in an article about the necessity for French Wines to develop a different strategy to sell better abroad.
This article extensively mention a new brand. And of course they keep mentioning Pierre's new company.
Now send me that case of bordeaux!
April 18, 2006
You need your head examined...
Ok, a few months ago I was diagnosed with some wierd blood restriction to my head. Ahem, not that head... The doctor had me on some weird meds that made me swim outside of water.
I finally got around to getting a second opinion. [Gosh, so many cliches in one day "getting my head examined", "getting a second opinion". It's all pretty funny.]
They did a cool neurosonagram which essentially measured the size of the blood veins going to my head. I could see them in cool green and orange colors on the monitors. Note: One nice perk about being well known 15 years ago is that you get extra special attention from the nursing staff, since they were all 15 years old at the time, and still remember attending my concerts.
The doctor looks over the charts. "Corbett, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Don't work too hard. Relax more. Get a massage once in a while. Next."
Good advice. Now in what order?
April 17, 2006
Yes, it makes no sense
I thought this was a perfect indication of how to get things done in Taiwan.
Today I woke up and turned on the water to shower, and... no water. I figure they're doing construction, so I walk over to the neighbor's to ask if they have any water, and that's when I notice the six inch deep swimming pool growing in my backyard. Shitfuckdamn. Apparently a pipe had broken off the side of my house, spewing water up out of the ground. I wade around find the broken pipe, and we get in the car and take off to look for a local suei dian guy to fix it. Being Sunday, we know this is probably an impossible dream, but we have to at least try. So we drive all over Tien Mu, call a dozen different places, and after an hour or so we're like forget it this is stupid. Since we were already out and about, Irene wanted to stop by the local butcher to pick up some breakfast sausages. She asks them if they know anyone, and they give her a number. She calls, someone answers, and we arrange to meet "a guy wearing a hat" on a bridge. Five minutes later, I arrive to the bridge, a guy with a hat is actually waiting there, I show him the pipe and a shot I took with my digital camera, and thirty minutes later he's at my home fixing the pipe.
So, the moral of this story?
In Taiwan, when you need a plumber on Sunday, just go buy some sausages.
April 14, 2006
A guy walks into a bar...
Tonight I was behind the bar, and had an enjoyable evening long conversation with a guy named Jeff Falcon. Jeff was a big time martial arts guy who spent about 15 years in the HK movie business. I googled Jeff Falcon later to see what movies I'd seen of his, and the one that popped out was a great flick called "Six String Samurai." Hilarious movie! It turns out I've probably seen a half dozen of his movies on the bus to Taichung. You never know who will walk into a bar and ask for a drink.
April 12, 2006
Bark
Morning, bark bark bark...
Evening, bark bark bark bark bark
Will you please shut up?
Just call it Nakashi
I was reading a podcast blog, the far eastern audio review, the other day and took a listen to this group called Red Chamber, "an ensemble of masked players and dancers who throw down the Asian surf sounds of yesteryear."
The podcast talked about the "tightness," the "mystery," the "musicianship," but they never just came out and called it what it really was - a Nakashi band.
In 1992, I recorded a completely different kind of nakashi album, reworked in an LA studio with top session players. Guys like John Pena and Dave Garfield. Here's what happened to that album.
April 09, 2006
The Bikini Club
I had this funny dream last night that I think would make a good B-movie comedy. Someday when I get around to it, I'll try to write a treatment of it.
Two freshmen girls meet in their dorm. They're roommates. The room is a small cramped horrible place to live. Noisy, bunk beds, tiny desks, flourescent light, right next to the bathrooms, with a great view of the parking lot trash dumpster next to the Science building.
They try everything they can to spruce the place up, from Tiki motifs to Laura Ashley. They realize it's impossible, and become despondent and depressed until one day the girls walk by a vacant apartment in the perfect location, just steps away from the main street where all the cool restaurants are. It's cheap, so they move in. It's a small studio on the second floor of an old building overlooking a traffic intersection. For them, it feels like Soho, life in the big city, but the Walk/Stop sign brightens up their entire room 24 hrs a day, driving them crazy. Still they are happy because they have their first place. That is until one day, they realize why the apartment was available. Anyone walking at the right spot past their place can look directly in on them. In their underwear after a shower, they discover a long line of peepers outside. They begin wearing trench coats and sunglasses so no one on campus recognizes them.
The girls hear that if they join a sorority, they can get a room in a nice big house near campus. They join the sorority, move in. the room is small but life is a lot nicer, except for the sorority sisters.
One day, the handsome guy on campus happens to walk by, and one of the girls is smitten. She schemes for a way to ask him out on a date. He apparently is a big deal Heisman trophy winning football player, who never says a word. The roommate (more adventurous) spots him on campus, walks up to him, says "My roommate is totally in love with you and wants to ask you out for lunch. Can you come to our sorority house to meet her?" He nods "Sure. When?" The sorority house is buzzing with activity over the famous visitor, while the smitten one makes her favorite lunch - a cold Japanese noodle salad.
Handsome guy arrives with two other people, His manager, an obnoxious NY suit-bitch, and his agent, a doting fumbling sweater-geek. He forgot to mention that they follow him wherever he goes in case Nike or Adidas try to catch him without their involvement.
After some uncomfortable small talk (life on campus, dorms, football) lunch is finally served. Handsome guy can't use chopsticks, the managers don't want his to spill on his outfit (photo session later), he doesn't want to disappoint his blind date, and he slops through his noodles, making a huge mess.
On the way out after the disasterous meeting, handsome guy mentions that he he has a job on the local animal refuge, and they should stop by sometime.
The next week, the girls go out to the animal refuge, which they though would be like a dog pound, but turns out to be a huge ranch housing all the local wildlife (cougars, horses, eagles, skunks, racoons, ground hogs, porcupines, deer, etc) from the nearby mountains. Handsome guy is driving a Universal Studios type go cart, leading a group of Chinese tourists around the ranch. He speaks in an Australian accent, eloquently describing all the local animals and foliage.
The girls are shocked. He speaks! Where did he get that accent? Handsome guy drives over after the tour, and explains that Chinese like to think that he's like the Croc Guy on TV, so he uses his fake Australian accent to lead the tour. He turns out the be an awesome cool guy. The girls find out that he hated living with all the stupid jocks in the dorm, and how back home, he lived on a farm, so when he heard about this job, he took it and moved out on the ranch. The reason he never talks on campus is because he talks 4 hours a day leading tour groups and is exhausted.
As they walk around the ranch, they pass some small houses, and Handsome guy says that they are short staffed, and if they wanted a job taking care of the animals, they could also live out on the ranch in their own ranch bungaloo.
The next day they move, and life gets better. Ranch life turns out to be a huge party. Cute guys, great view, bad grades. The Dean has warned them about academic suspension, but the girls have become very good at other things - fixing things up around the ranch, fences, doors, windows, roofs, flooring, and this catches the eye of a local contractor. He asks the girls would they like to have a better paying job, and live in a bigger place - for free. All they have to do is fix up the house for him. The girls look at each other. Sure.
Over the next couple of years, the girls have fixed up one place after another for the contractor. They have saved up over $200,000. They invest this into a run down house, fix it up, and turn it over. They double their money. They begin to do this over and over, making a fortune in the real estate market, while barely making their grades.
Their wild parties and bad grades eventually gets them called into the Dean's office. While being reprimanded, one of the girls spots a photo of a beautiful mansion, and remarks how the house would be worth at least $4.5 million on the current market. The Dean is shocked, and asks why she would say that. This is his house, he points out, and if anyone knew the value of it, he would. He grew up in that house, and now it was on the market for $2.3 million. She was out of her mind. Ha, $4.5 million! No wonder her grades were so bad, she was terrible with math.
She convinces him that the house would be worth $4.5 million if he would let them make some property improvements. He thinks she's crazy. Just then his secretary walks in and whispers to him, "They more than doubled the value of the house I just sold. I think they know what they're talking about..."
A deal is stuck. They make the improvements, and if the house sells, they graduate summa cum laude. If not, goodbye college career.
The girls get into action, materials are delivered, the workman arrive (the football team including Handsome guy). They begin to tear the place apart, install a pool, a jacuzzi, redo the windows, the roof, the landscaping...The Dean stops by occasionally to witness the progress. A disaster. Loud music. Wild parties. Bikinis. Chaos.
Right before graduation, the house is finally finished, and yes, sold for $4.5 million. The Dean is surprised, but ecstatic. He happily pockets the check, and moves into a smaller place next door. He signs the paperwork, and the girls graduate top of their class to the astonishment of everyone, and the new owners of the house move in.
Epilogue: The Dean is tossing and turning in bed because of the loud music coming from the new neighbors. He goes over to investigate. It's a club, run by the girls. They were the buyers! They turned the property into the hottest club in town. The Bikini Club. It's making a fortune, and was recently put on market for $8.5 million.
April 08, 2006
Radio Taiwan International interview
A nice woman named Natalie Tso came to the Living Room a few weeks ago to interview me for Radio Taiwan International, which is run by the Central Broadcasting System (who used to use these old U47 Neuman tube mics for voice overs that I would kill to get my hands on now, which are probably sitting in a file cabinet somewhere being ignored until the day I eventually break into their offices, crawling through the air ducts, wearing night vision goggles, to rescue them), the national broadcasting system of the Republic of China on Taiwan. We sat on the steps outside and she asked me all about how I started, my feelings about the music industry, and pretty much allowed me to ramble on for the entire show. Ask a guy to talk about himself, and he will do it for hours.
Anyway, for anyone interested in the Corbett Wall story, you can listen to the stream here: 
There was something in the Taipei Times as well a few months ago. You know you are getting old when they start rehashing your past. Sigh...
April 01, 2006
Once in a blue moon
If you are still up at 1:00am this coming Wednesday, consider this:
On Wednesday of next week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
It won't occur again until 3006
I've never figured out whether it's pronounced "Moe's (like owned by one of three stooges) or Moss (like that guy out of Bonanza), but the one down the hill from me is open until 2am most days, which means that if I get out of the club early enough, I can catch the best burger in town, the muo si la bao or the Spicy Mos Burger. They have lots of jalapenos and 
