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A beer with a chi chaser

I've been taking this weird Chinese medicine lately. It's supposed to build up my chi. After my latest promotional tour, my chi was been feeling pretty wimpy. I was crawling out of bed in the morning wondering what hit me in the head.

So I went to see my local Chinese doctor who suggested I indulge in some dubious herbs and spices. What? The kind you roll up in thin little papers? No, the kind made from tree bark and berries and nuts and branches and eye of newt and probably some lizard's feet as well. I really needed some serious chi rebuilding, he said, in order to feel better about myself and to become more prosperous. Prosperity caught my ear, so I started to take an interest in his herbs.

He filled up some zip lock bags with eye of newt and cowabunga berries and who knows what else, then explained carefully how to cook it all up in a clay pot in a rice cooker. In the morning I would have to strain out the tree remains and gulp down the brown gook that was left over. Also, he insisted, in order for this to work properly, I had to stop ingesting my favorite treats like I-Mei ice cream cones, Coca Cola, spicy hot pot, coffee, tea, and the killer, alcohol.

Oh no. That's a tall order, but what the hell, I tried it. And you know what, he's right, after my initial gagging session with the brown muck, I feel much better now. And believe it or not, I think I'm selling more records too.

That was six months ago. Unfortunately he never mentioned the unusual side effects that came with my chi building. Like losing my friends.

Making friends in the music industry is tough. It's like trying to keep an expensive Italian car running. You have to put a lot of maintenance into it. Can I borrow your golf clubs? Will you play on my album? I've got four tickets to a premier. Can you do this stupid game show? Will you watch my cats? There's definitely a lot of give and take going on. Naturally so because it's a CCSR (Complex Chinese Social Relationship). A more revered relationship than family, the girlfriend, even the wife. Friends are sacred. Pals, buddies, partners, compadres. You get the picture. And now they're dropping like flies.

Why? Alcohol. You've got to be kidding? Yes, alcohol. Or lack of. If you're a guy, and don't drink, then forget about having many friends in this business.

With producer guys it's a booze thing. We meet up after work, and where to we go? The opera? For a jog? To have some coffee? Are you crazy? We go to The Smoke Filled Environment for a drink. And the more friends you have, the more you end up drinking. So here's what happened:

Side Effect #1:

Robbie: "Hey man, meet you at The Smoke Filled Environment around 11. Peter said he'd stop by. See you there, right?"
Me: "I can't drink anymore. I've been taking this Chinese medicine…"
Robbie: "You what?"
Me: "Yeah, I stopped. Bad for my health. I feel much better now, you know?"
Robbie: (groan) "You gotta be kidding? Man, I dunno. I'll see you around."

Side Effect #2:

Frank: "Dude, we're partying tonight with the Channel Q chicks. See you at The Smoke Filled Environment around 10, ok?"
Me: "I stopped drinking. I thought maybe we could go play squash instead. I got a spare racquet…"
Frank: "What?"
Me: "I've been taking this Chinese medicine. Got to get healthy again."
Frank: "Yeah right. You're crazy."

Side Effect #3:
Steve: "Hey buddy, free Tequila poppers tonight at Another Smoke Filled Environment. The guys'll be there around 12."
Me: "I can't. I'm on this Chinese medicine and I stopped drinking…"
Steve: "You're kidding?"
Me: "No. Want to see a movie instead?"
Steve: "Yeah right, and miss the free booze. Later."

After several months of moping around the house being totally healthy, I discovered something which turned my whole social perspective on it's head. Most Chinese women don't drink either. They're either allergic or have an incredibly low tolerance to alcohol. So I've begun hanging out more and more with women. Intelligent attractive women who avoid Smoke Filled Environments like the plague. This is really funny since the main reason guys go out drinking is to sit around and complain about the scarcity of intelligent attractive women. And now that I've stopped drinking, I run into intelligent attractive women all the time. Go figure. Blame it on my chi.

"Bartender, bring me another glass of warm water please!"

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