Words » In Tune
The FTMP way to better sax
I've been playing music since I was eight. While my friends were out bashing their heads into one another and tossing around a leather ball, I was at home playing the saxophone and being a music geek. I would have much preferred to be flying over trash cans on my BMX bike, or shooting birds with a BB gun. I have to admit, practicing scales was not the coolest thing to do. As a boy, music was devoid of any real rewards, and it wasn't until high school, that I discovered the Fundamental Theory Of Musical Performance, and changed my mind. I mean I really changed my mind.
The three hypotheses supporting the Fundamental Theory Of Musical Performance are quite simple. They are: 1) Girls like music, 2) Girls like guys, so therefore 3) Girls like guys who play music.
I have tested the Fundamental Theory Of Musical Performance over the course of my career, and have had discussions with musicians from around the world about it. We all agree on one thing: FTMP is an undeniable force to be reckoned with.
Not many people know this, but I was also a philosophy major in college. While my friends were out at nuclear sit-ins and drinking at frat parties, I was at home cramming my brain with postulations and theorems and argumentinum ad nauseam. I read a lot of big thick books. Now what does this have to do with music you ask? Actually a lot. My rigorous training in philosophy has allowed me to really sink my teeth into the FTMP concept, and further prove that there is a direct relationship between musical instruments and sexual appeal.
Yeah right, you say. But it's true. I have discovered that men and women respond differently to musical instruments, but curiously respond the same when it comes to one particular instrument. Here's a small test. Men answer question #1, and women answer question #2.
1) If you could play a musical instrument, which one would you prefer to play?
a) trumpet
b) pipe organ
c) flute
d) saxophone
2) If a man was playing a musical instrument, which one would you prefer to listen to?
a) trumpet
b) pipe organ
c) flute
d) saxophone
Men: If you answered "d" you are among 95% of the general male population.
Women: If you answered "d" you are among 95% of the general female population.
FTMP and its various sub theories have led me to believe that the saxophone is a very special and uniquely sexual musical instrument. Guys love to play it, and girls love to listen to guys playing it. Now of course it hasn't always been the same. Back in Bach's time, guys who played the pipe organ got all the chicks. During the roaring twenties it was definitely the trumpet player. But times are changing. Today's man is more complicated. He is romantic yet tough, refined yet dangerous. He smokes Cuban cigars and sips French wine. He needs a special instrument, something to reflect his inner nature, something that girls will love. According to FTMP, this man subconsciously wants to play the saxophone.
Now what does all this have to do with an article on Taiwan you ask? A lot in fact.
Last week I got a call from my friend Dan, a very successful commercial film director. He has produced tons of commercials ranging from lingerie to luxury cars. You could say that Dan has his finger on the pulse of the Taiwan consumer market. He is a product of his environment, he drives a nice car, wears an expensive watch, plays golf. He represents his own target market. In other words, Dan knows what Chinese men want.
"Corbett, you know lately I feel like I want to learn something new."
"Have you tried scuba diving?"
"No, too much effort. Have to get all wet."
"How about designing your own web page?"
"Too boring. I was thinking of something different like learning a musical instrument. I really like the sound of the saxophone. Could you teach me?"
"Sure. I'm free on Saturday."
"Great! Afterwards, we'll go to this place that has wine and cigars. What do you say?" He was obviously excited.
"FTMP," I said, suppressing a laugh.
"What's that?"
"Oh never mind, you'll find out later."
« Ten minutes with Jodie | Back | The wakarimasen method of songwriting »
Comments (1 posted)
Enter your comments below.
I am a music major that plays both Alto/Soprano saxophone a little bit of piano. Music has been a dramatic impact in my life for the past 8 years when I first started to play the saxophone. I have crucially deter the passion for music that I have been discovering. Music is life with the excession of reality that brings family together and recollect the wonderful memories that occur in the family. More importantly, music is the art of thinking with sounds.
Post a comment
I've never figured out whether it's pronounced "Moe's (like owned by one of three stooges) or Moss (like that guy out of Bonanza), but the one down the hill from me is open until 2am most days, which means that if I get out of the club early enough, I can catch the best burger in town, the muo si la bao or the Spicy Mos Burger. They have lots of jalapenos and 
